2....Looking into my baby boys eyes for the first time and fearing I will somehow make him gay.
3....Looking into my husband's eyes and saying I do.
4....Getting my first return mail from an agent and fearing she would request more.
5....Having my house a total disaster 2 hours before multiple dinner guests were arriving and knowing they'll see what a good housewife I REALLY am!
6....Signing my name at the bottom of the legal closing papers for our new house.
7....Opening up to anyone and letting them see who I really am.
8....Watching a mouse scurry past my bare feet in the garage.
9....Watching my husband play with the snake after said rat in the garage the next morning.
10...Going camping and being awakened by something chewing outside my tent (still too scared to know what that REALLY was)
11....Watching the Blair Witch Project. (I think it's stupid now, but I was so scared I cried when I watched it for the first time)
12...Quitting my job and letting Hubby take sole responsibility for keeping a roof over our heads (which he's doing a wonderful job at!)
And something I just experienced two weekends ago...
13....Riding under a huge flock of birds in my convertible with the top down.
Ok, so I've lived a boring life.... :oD
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
I mean, I wouldn't define it as a CRISIS, per say, but more of an awareness that I'm getting more and more determined to do something about. I'm not happy with the way I look, nor am I usually content with many aspects of my life other than my children (I find I always want things to be better). I'm still a good 20-25 pounds overweight. Most of that is from the hormone problems before I was ever pregnant. Pregnancy actually made me drop 20 pounds without doing a thing other than cooking a baby. I'm walking twice a week. Not a drop in the bucket for those 25 pounds I need to get off, but certainly more than it was. Before it was see how fat Stephanie could get and while we're at it lets buy some Little Debbie's to cement my self titled-ness as Spare Tire Stephanie.
But you know what? Last night I had an epiphany. An old high school friend of mine came over for dinner and while it lacked a lot in the conversation department (completely my fault) and babies cried all the way through dinner, I realized that I was ok with who I am. I think getting on myspace and getting back in touch with a lot of friends embarrassed me when they saw my pictures. In high school I was pretty, I'm not being full of myself because I'm anything but now, but hindsight is 20/20. That was the image that my friend probably still had of me in his mind. And when I opened the door when he arrived, I was terrifed he'd give me the once over and say, "wow" and I'd know it wasn't in a good way. But you know what? By the end of the night I realized that it didn't matter how I looked physically or how embarrassed I might be of that. I came away from it wondering if he saw any differences in me. Not physically (obviously there are some there) but if he saw me not as the brooding teenager I once was, but as happier and grown up. I finally realized that was all that mattered was that I'm happy and content. Now, being the pessimist I am, I can always find something to complain about, but I did feel pride for how much I have now. Two beautiful children who are the light of my world, a good husband, a beautiful home, a kick-butt car (I love my 'stang!), and I know that no matter what I have materialistically those things fall pathetically short when my family is around and I see the many blessings God has given me in them. Every toothless grin, every sloppy baby kiss and yes, even every time Chicken yanks a fistful of hair out, is a blessing to me.
At the end of the day, while I was still conscious of how I looked and how he must see me now, I knew that none of that mattered. When I closed the door last night behind him, I only hoped that he saw me as happy and a thought never crossed my mind that I wish he saw me as "skinny" or "cute". Skinny isn't much when there's nothing behind a smile. Hopefully my smile showed that in the nine years since I'd seen him, my life was full of abundant blessings that can never be shown through a small waist or skinny face. That I realized this, my friends, is the beginning of the end of my early life crisis.
Friday, September 21, 2007
I mean, seriously, is that not the funniest thing you've ever seen? Hubby and I are still debating dropping the hat and getting him some green glasses and spiking his hair red for Halloween. It's just priceless. He apparently liked it too, he's always quick to smile, but boy he was grinning ear to ear while Punky and I laughed at him. Hmmm, maybe that's why.
Anyway, I'm off to decorate for halloween!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
1…. I'm obsessed with Lysol Antibacterial Wipes.
2.... I'm shy when it comes to introducing myself to new people.
3.... I'm a deacon's wife within my church.
4.... I'm addicted to email - if I'm walking by the computer I MUST hit send/receive.
5.... I hate wearing shoes.
6.... I hate shopping for myself but would spend every penny I have on my family or even a complete stranger just to make them happy.
7.... I frequently let people who have less than me in line at the grocery store go ahead of me.
8.... I love seeing my children smile and learn new things.
9.... I love my in-laws - they're like the family I always dreamed of!
10... I believe that all children are born with only a temperament and we must teach them everything from how to sleep all the way to having a tender and humble heart.
11... I actually miss the hick town I grew up in and its simplicity sometimes - I just don't miss most of the people.
12... I'm a closet writer (as you know.)
13... If I was young and stupid again (not to mention skinny), I'd die my hair pink and platinum. :o)
Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
So I did a little research. Here's Pre- Baby Britney:
And here is Post-Baby Britney:
Do YOU see a baby pooch! It's GONE in my opinion. But it could be worse. I mean, seriously, would they rather look at the above or see her strutting her stuff looking like this?
Isn't that great?
Believe me - a mother of two -it could be a lot worse than it is!
Don't all these journalist idiots who are desperate for a story know that I would KILL to be as fat as Britney Spears was at the VMAs? Find a real story and leave the poor girl alone! Looks like she's done some major work to me!
Monday, September 10, 2007
So it hits me Friday night around 3 am when I wake up to roll over. I've got a horribly sore throat and feel that heavy, I'm-going-to-be-sick-in-the-morning feeling. I can't sleep without my fan on so I have to suffer through the even drier, scratchier throat I'll have by morning. Sure enough, I wake up to that gross feeling and it plagues me all day. By Saturday night, I was doped up on Sudafed, Claritin and Afrin carrying around my box of kleenex and groaning about how much I hate feeling bad. And for some reason, I get extra weepy when I've got a cold. I could be puking my guts up and I'm stronger than when I've got a measly cold. I guess it's the fact I know there is no cure nor will it be going away any time soon.
I've been blessed with a horrible immune system that allows me to keep a cold around for about 2 weeks. 3 days down, 11 to go approximately.
My mother in law has an "extra fun" shopping day planned for all of us girls (me, Punky and my 3 sister in laws) this Saturday while the Hubbies are dove hunting. Of course, fun and shopping don't go hand in hand with me. Not right now at the weight I'm at. Did I mention since I got a cold my new "diet" has been shot? I want nothing but junk when I'm sick. Maybe that's a mental thing, but it's certainly what I do. And the whole dove hunting thing just cracks me up when I think about it. Hubby is about as far away from a hunter as he can get. He's such a city boy and if anything, I should be the one hunting since I'm the country girl!
Well, I'm off to go drown in a bowl of brownies and then to bed I go. I simply can't take all my kids energy when I'm this sick. I'm sooo beat from running after Punky today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!
Saturday, September 8, 2007
In other news, I began writing again on my paranormal series. These books are just burning a whole in my brain to get out! My muse usually comes to visit me in the fall and stays awhile. I guess it's just the beautiful weather (although it's still hot, she FEELS fall, too). And I usually do my best work when I'm tired. I'm convinced its the only time my brain can remember a little of the stuff I learned in high school!
Have you ever done that? Gone back through something from high school or college and think, WOW! Did I really write that? I come across stuff all the time from that era that I wrote during class or when I was truly inspired. I've discovered now that I'm out of work and into an at-home frame of mind, my creativity is stagnant in my writing. In high school, we always learned new vocabulary words and I FELT more feelings. I'm into this comfortable rut where I only feel the same things over and over as a mom and wife. I'm used to them in a way so I don't pay attention to that as much. I don't feel those crazy hormonal highs and lows from back then that fed my characters emotions and gave me new material and interesting twists. Now I actually have to WORK for those ideas...like, as in, coming up with this stuff. Before I didn't have to think about much, my muse did a lot of things for me. I truly am amazed at things I find sometimes. Words that I didn't realize I ever knew or catchy little phrases that showed intelligence just shock me when I read them. I guess I should do more things to inspire me. Like going and sitting in the mall and trying to remember those days, far gone as they may be, to maybe help me remember something.
Anyway, I truly believe this new paranormal series that I've got going is highly marketable. I don't boast the writing is marketable, just the idea. However, if I could step back into those hormonal teenagers keds I once wore, I think all the components would be there! Anyone got any inspiration for me out there???
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
So last night I approached the subject of church with my mom. They are the ones who raised me to go to church and now, as a result I have a fabulous husband and a wonderful family of in laws. She told me she always prayed for a Christian man for me. So why, oh why have they stopped going to church?
Simple really. The congregation they went to wasn't very friendly, there was a lot of politics, and they had a LOT of questions about some of the elders/deacons there and they're qualifications. I have to admit since I've grown in the church and learned more and more, I have to agree with these things. I'm not saying that the church doesn't have nice people who want to do what's right, I'm saying that actions speak louder than words when it comes to encouragement sometimes and no one...absolutely no one has contacted them to bring them back. The church I go to would be calling them once a week if not more to schedule meetings to see why they're not coming and offer encouragement. It speaks a lot of the eldership in the congregation that they've lost a family and no one even bothered to figure out why. My parents have been sorely discouraged by this and the example of many of the members. So, in short, I can't blame them for not going there.
But I can blame them for not picking up and heading elsewhere. I tried to encourage my mom and tell her that there was several other good places she should go, but she insisted when everything was right and perfect in her mind and she understood everything she would go somewhere she liked. I think she's confused about the whole fellowship hall vs. no fellowship hall, but that's no excuse not to go. But, she argued, she wasn't going to go somewhere "like my church" and have her head filled with what might be "fallible" ideas so she could learn more about it. No, she had to figure it out on her own. And like her mind (and every other person on this planet) can't be fallible?
Excuses go a long way in telling me that she just doesn't want to go. Now she'll argue with me that she's not making excuses, that she just doesn't "think" about going anymore and that's not the same as "deciding not to go." But, I ask you, is "not thinking" about church the same as making the decision not to go? Making the decision, conscious or not, not to set the alarm clock on Saturday night to go on Sunday is very much telling me her priorities are elsewhere. She knows how I feel about this and how I feel about my kids being exposed to a home that's not centered around God. I don't think they're bad people or mean and cruel, I just simply want my kids to grow up seeing the wonderful result of a God-centered family. I feel if they always wonder why Nana and Pa don't go to church it will cause a barrier so to speak with Punky and Chicken's relationship with them. Does that even make sense?
In essence, my parents make nonsense excuses. I recently told my step-dad that they should get out and get some fresh air in the evenings and take a walk. He's diabetic, she's overweight so it would be good for both of them. His excuse? "If you go out walking around here, you get shot!" Whaaaaa? I live in a city about 3 times the size of theirs with three times the crime rate and I can assure them, they probably won't get shot taking a walk down the road or even going to the track field and walking there where EVERYONE walks. The majority of their city is over the age of 60 anyway so chances are between the age and the alzeimers that's kicked in, the person that's about to shoot them will likely forget what they're doing before they pull the trigger. Anyway, I digress. Back the excuses. I tried to tell my mom she should get out more and stimulate her brain with fresh air instead of the asbestos in her house. "What's wrong with staying inside? My mom did it and everyone tried to nag her about that all the time. She was perfectly fine staying inside." My grandmother was a bitter, hateful woman (who did have a sweet side with me but rare for others to see) who complained constantly and ultimately died from an aneurism due to years of high blood pressure from said worrying and complaining. Apparently she wants to be like that?
Come see your grandkids. "That long (2 hour) drive just kills me." Or, "We can't afford the gas." Or, "I just don't feel like it." When I call her on it, it somehow winds up my fault because I haven't come to see THEM or they have to bounce checks to come here. No responsibility taken there.
I once asked them to meet me half way, an hour for both of us for lunch so they could see the kiddos. "We can't get ready in time." But yet it was 9 o'clock her time and it only took an hour to get there. She could get ready in TWO HOURS? I think that time she actually had a legitimate excuse later, but that was the first thing that came from her mouth, she couldn't get ready in time.
I could write for years on this subject. You would think after years of trying to make them see things I might have gotten somewhere. I guess they just see me as their little girl who's full of poop and I don't really know much. I like to think of myself as insightful and humble enough to admit when I need to do something (even if I protest in the beginning I eventually come around). I'm observant and sometimes that's my downfall. The worst of all is I just can't keep my mouth shut when I see someone, namely my mom and step-dad unhappy and pretty much suffering through each and every day just to get to the next. So last night, I offended her and fully suspect that I won't be hearing from her for a while. She's just like that.
I KNOW they've had hard times and aren't doing well financially. I KNOW they don't have God in the center of their lives. I'm not judging their hearts, only their actions. I KNOW they love me and the kids. But WHY make so many excuses that hurt me so much and eventually hurt the kids when they're old enough to understand?
I KNOW all this because I've lived my whole life wondering why I wasn't good enough for my dad to want to have a relationship with me. I've lived knowing my mom did the best she could with what limited resources she had but still left me with some pretty severe emotional baggage. I've lived my entire marital life feeling unworthy of my Hubby and wondering if I will ever get passed it. Now I keep wondering if I'm going to mess up Punky and Chicken, too. But overall, I think I've got a pretty stable life full of goodness and happiness. Hubby is amazing to have put up with me for so long and he's just an amazing guy overall. If had to count the number of times he's sat and held me while I cried over these things, well, I just couldn't do it. Last night I was pretty upset and just like always he held me and helped me understand that not everyone makes the choice to be happy or do something about their unhappiness. I have and will continue to do so. If I stop, I hope someone jerks a knot in my tail!
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
On Saturday, the inlaws kept the kiddos for us and I slept most of the morning. In the afternoon Hubby and I went to get a salad (gag, but a diet is a diet) and then spent the next few hours shopping. Then we picked up the kiddos and called it a day. Nothing new there, that's pretty much every Saturday for us.
Sunday was uneventful. We went to church where Chicken screamed through both services. Again, nothing new there.
Yesterday, for the holiday, we spent the first half of the day at home chilling and then went around 3:30 over to the inlaws for burgers. There, Punky played outside with the hose and Chicken screamed.
We must fix this whole screaming business. Chicken is already getting smacked on the leg for his temper but he's not getting it. At this age, Punky KNEW and I feel like Chicken does, too. I think he's going to be a stubborn kid. I'm prepared for that. I knew I was getting off too easy with him since he's a pretty happy kid. I figured there would be SOMETHING that would come up.
Today, we've started our normal week a day late and I'm starving. I weeded this morning and according to http://www.thedailyplate.com/ I burned 300 calories doing that for 45 minutes. I'm really trying to hold back on my food intake so I can enjoy dinner but all this has really made me realize that I eat very little but stuff very high in calories. As Hubby said if I could just eat the right things, I'd lose that 25 pounds in no time! I'm really wanting to do it, granted that I can do some exercising to speed things along, but I'm not expecting much. Because of my hormone imbalance and PCOS its SOOOO very hard for me to lose weight. Hubby argues I've never stuck with anything but I have, for over a month before and wound up GAINING weight. It's so frustrating when I see that and it makes me just want to go grab the nearest big, fat chocolate chip cookie and enjoy it. Because...hey, after all when I was on a diet I gained weight avoiding that kind of thing, right? So if I eat it, what's the difference? I've never really tried this dailyplate site, which counts your calories and tells you how much you have left for the day, etc, so I'm going to hop to it and see what happens. If I'm still the same in a month after exercising, calorie counting and all that gross stuff, I'm going to a doctor to see what's wrong. I know I should be able to lose weight that way and if I can't, doesn't that mean somethings wrong?
I haven't worn regular winter clothes in 2 years. Why you ask? Oh yeah, that whole pregnancy thing. I would REALLY like to look my best when I buy some new clothes this year and feel good about buying them instead of feeling like I'm wasting money on things better left on the rack for someone who deserves them. *Sigh* The first few days of dieting always gets to me...I'm still positive and determined to do something about all this and at the very least I'll FEEL different even if I don't look different. I just hate waiting to see if it's actually going to work. Why, oh why, can't someone invent a cheap liposuction machine for the public to buy?!?
Well, it's almost lunch...here's to salad!