Weekend Recap

So our weekend was pretty typical.  My parents came into town on Saturday and we went shopping for material for the new nursery bedding.  I've bought the previous bedding and my mom, being the disgustingly crafty person she is, wants to make this one.  We decided on a black, white and pastel pink pattern with a french type theme.  It's going to be really cute with the white crib.

Hubby also attempted to put track lighting in our kitchen to replace the ugly florescent lighting and the effort was futile.  The track lighting was too spotty and didn't provide enough light.  Otherwise, the track he got was totally cool and contemporary and would have looked awesome.  We just didn't light the way it actually lit everything.

Yesterday was a typical Sunday: church, lunch, nap, church again, bed.  Nothing to report there.

My ribs are starting to ache with this kid.  I was hoping my ribs hurt with Chicken because he was so active, but alas, that must not be the case.  New Baby is quite active, too, but I don't feel her in my ribs yet.  I guess it's just my body expanding to make room.  I just hope it doesn't get as painful as Chicken did.  There were nights I had to take pain meds with him because I couldn't sleep.

Sooo...after a boring weekend, I get to look forward to the kiddos spending the night with Hubby's parents on Friday and spending all of Saturday with them.  Hubby says he's going to knock out building the kiddos swing set on Saturday, so it looks like I've got about 4 days to decide what I want to do and who I want to do it with!

Old Ghosts

Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if I hadn't walked down the path I did.  Would I be happy?  Would my kids still look the same?  Would I have had all the fertility problems?  Would I have NEVER had children from lack of opportunity?  Would depression have consumed me?

I come from a small town, a broken family, and a screwed up history.  I'm still trying hard to forgive my mother for all the verbal abuse, but now that I have kids, it's harder and harder for me to imagine doing that to my BABIES.  Sure, losing my temper and raising my voice I can comprehend.  Even spanking them out of anger.  But to look at them and tell them they're crazy or their BOYFRIEND deserves better than them?  Wow.  I dwell on those kinds of things much more than I should.  It's in the past.  Getting close to ancient history.  I should find a way to forgive her.

I've even forgiven my father, although I will never UNDERSTAND, why he walked away from me.  Just as I said above, now that I have kids, I have a new perspective.  I've opted to not tell my dad on the rare occasion I talk to him that he's a grandfather.  I second guess my decision a lot, mainly because I wonder if knowing his grandchildren might be the motivation he needs to change.  But for safety reasons, Hubby and I have mutually agreed to not tell him (that's why I don't mention my kiddos names).  I haven't spoken to him since I was pregnant with Punky.  He calls every year on my birthday and since that year three years ago, I've subscribed to caller ID and avoided his phone calls.  Mainly because I don't lie and I know he would ask me when I was going to have children.  But to my father's credit, he just stayed away when I was growing up.  I never had to deal with him and his problems, I never had to wonder why he didn't love me.  In his own way, I know he loves me, although he falls pathetically short of ever earning the title DAD.  Punky recently saw a family picture of us when I was about 8 months old and asked who he was.  Rickey, I told her.  That's all she needs to know.

So, do these things contribute to why I am the way I am?  Yes.  I think a lot about how our influence will make our children who they are.  It scares me to think about that, but I have to admit, I try to take those things and learn from them.  I try not to over compensate and I try hard to make sure my kids will NEVER feel the way I felt growing up.  I never want them to feel as alone as I felt or as burdensome.  Every time I turned around, I felt unwanted or I was yelled at for something stupid.  Then, when I got older and started having a life of my own, my mother started seeing that I was growing up and I didn't need her.  It made living with her so much worse and in turn, I did a lot of stupid things when I was a teenager that I will never be able to take back.  

Some of you say, well, don't all teenagers do stupid stuff?  Isn't that a right of passage?  Isn't that how they FIND themselves?  Not for me it wasn't.  It was rebellion from bad parenting.  It was the only escape I could find in a world filled with no one who REALLY loved me.  I took solace in boyfriends that never meant anything only because I knew they cared for me.  I took advantage of that and to this day I still feel bad.  The few I really cared for wound up trampling my heart and succeeding in hurting me more than my mother ever could.  But that's ancient history, right?

Yes, it is.  I married a good man.  I married a wonderful family whose irritatingly as perfect as any family has the right to be.  I have a mother now in my mother in law whose always there for me.  Not many people can say that about their mother in laws.  She has her flaws, but she's the best woman I know.  Hubby puts up with a LOT from me.  Mainly me dwelling on this stuff too much and not being able to get passed it, my low self esteem, lack of being able to express "happiness", etc.  After almost 7 years, this has all taken its toll on my marriage.  We, like any marriage, have our good days and our bad days, but it makes me wonder WHY he married me.  He knew how I was before we married.  He tells me jokingly that everyone makes mistakes.  But does he regret me?  Does he look at me and wish I were someone else who smiled a little more or felt a little better about herself or would actually pay up on the bet I lost and give him that strip tease?

I think about what it would be like to wake up next to someone else.  I don't wish for it, I couldn't imagine my life without Hubby.  I mainly think about it to make sure I stay humble and remember how wonderful he is to me because I KNOW even during our darkest times, it could have been so much worse.  I could have actually gone through with an elopement to a guy I spent three years with only to have found out later he was a child molester.  Or I could have gone though with my first real engagement and been married to an AWOL army soldier who could only be employed by the local Wal-Mart.  Let's not forget about the crazy EMT who still tries to track me down occasionally - I would probably be locked in his basement by now.  And there was the guy I was actually crazy about who now has no real job, acts like a kid and is still in with the wrong crowd doing the wrong things.  Where would I be then?  I certainly wouldn't have the contentment of financial stability, the pretty house I have, my children and their incredible smiles but most importantly the direction of a wonderful church family and friends that have been my lifeline for so long.  I have grown so much closer to God these years I've been away from home and have been able to see what a real life can be like.

My mother used to tell me (when she was feeling mushy) that she prayed for God to send me a man who would help me get to heaven.  He did.  Hubby and I have had many difficult years but through it all, we've shared our faith and our love for God and gotten through it.  I married Hubby for a lot of reasons, but the main one was because I knew he was a good man who was raised in a good family.  That family is the kind I want for us and our children.  We're getting there and I pray that I will not give Punky or Chicken (or #3) any of the hang ups I have or leave them with bitter memories of their upbringing.

And I pray, for each of them, that they can find a wonderful spouse who will complement them, understand them and aid them in their journey to heaven...

Just like I did.

Uneventful

Ahhh, today was uneventful yet crazy. How is it when you have children that somehow becomes possible?

I attempted to go to a ladies lectureship at our church today. It actually started Friday night and began again this morning at 9 am, lasting until around 3:30. Well, last night since my sister in law was in town, we ate dinner with the fam and we all decided to skip last night and go today. Since I've been going nonstop for about a month now every weekend, I told the Hubby that I really just wanted to spend the morning with him and the kids and I'd go to the afternoon session. So he took Punky to the store with him (how's that for quality time with the fam when HALF OF THEM WEREN'T HERE!) to get some things to finish up his honey-do list (yes, I'm getting THAT organized lately) while Chicken Little took his morning nap. I had a quiet 45 minutes before Chicken decided to get up. He's teething (much earlier than Punky, I might add), so if I don't keep him doped up on Motrin he doesn't nap well nor is he pleasant to be around. So after that I wound up getting the dreaded shower (why is it I hate them so?!) while he listened to a Baby Einstein lullaby cd, which turns him comatose the instant it starts playing. I'm not even exaggerating either. It did the same with Punky, too. When I get out of the shower and see him (he sits outside the shower door kind of half way in my closet) he usually smiles the instant he sees me. Not when that blasted CD is on. He just looks at me like I'm disturbing his daydreams of pink elephants and flying pigs that, probably in his mind, are wearing tutus and eating...baba's or something. Hey, that's all his little baby mind knows.

After that (yes, I told you this was uneventful, so stop rolling your eyes, I need something to write about, ok?!) the Hubby came home with Punky and we decided to go BACK out to Olive Garden for lunch. I love Olive Garden, especially their breadsticks dipped in a side container of their wonderful salad dressing. Try it sometimes, it's better than marinara sauce in my humble opinion. So lunch was uneventful except Chicken deciding he was going to get fussy from lack of sleep. So then I headed to the afternoon sessions of the lectures at church.

I sat down and was pretty impressed with the woman's demeanor at first. But oh.my.word. did she talk fast. I mean, I'll be woman enough to admit that I'm not up to speed on the book of Esther anyway, so for crying out loud, I missed the first sessions lady so I NEED YOU TO SLOW DOWN so I can at least understand what you're saying! But then she started preaching...yes preaching. I guess I'm so used to seeing males do this that it stuns me when women have the bold voice, dramatic pauses and rhetorical questions. I mean, we're supposed to keep silent (yes this was all ladies, so it was ok for her to do this), but where did she learn this?! Did she go to a preaching school or something, because I just don't see how that kind of thing comes naturally, says the girl who poops a brick at the mere thought of public speaking. But anyway, after my brain finally caught up with her tongue, I enjoyed the first session and was looking forward to the next.

Just before the end of it, me and the lady next to me heard a cell phone buzzing somewhere. Paranoid I checked mine in case the vibrator on my phone suddenly decided to change. Nope not mine. But I should have known it was a premonition of sorts. Less than a minute after that I see HOME calling on my cell phone. Oh goodness, here's the Hubby on one of his 300 phone calls of reassurance that, no, he's not doing anything wrong and yes, sometimes he just cries like that. And yes, it's ok to ignore him for a few minutes to see if he settles and just call me back in a little while if he's still doing it. Actually, it was more of a getyourbootyinthecarrightnowandcomehomebecauseyoursoniscryingandwon'tstopandI'vedoneeverythingIknowtodo conversations. The sheer panic in his voice was enough for me not to even ask questions. I just went back into the auditorium, told my mother in law I was leaving because the Hubby was having a baby crisis and I was needed. Oh well. Esther will have to wait.

So get this. I'm half way home (less than ten minutes after the initial phone call). HOME again. Hello? He's asleep now. Well, great. I'm not turning around, nope, not with gas prices these days. So I went home and while children slept I finished reading the Love Languages book (which is great, I highly recommend it!), so at least my time was fruitful and I didn't deplete the ozone more than I had to.

:o) That was my boring day, how about yours?