As most of you know, I've been having an early life crisis. For those of you who don't know, I've been having an early life crisis.
I mean, I wouldn't define it as a CRISIS, per say, but more of an awareness that I'm getting more and more determined to do something about. I'm not happy with the way I look, nor am I usually content with many aspects of my life other than my children (I find I always want things to be better). I'm still a good 20-25 pounds overweight. Most of that is from the hormone problems before I was ever pregnant. Pregnancy actually made me drop 20 pounds without doing a thing other than cooking a baby. I'm walking twice a week. Not a drop in the bucket for those 25 pounds I need to get off, but certainly more than it was. Before it was see how fat Stephanie could get and while we're at it lets buy some Little Debbie's to cement my self titled-ness as Spare Tire Stephanie.
But you know what? Last night I had an epiphany. An old high school friend of mine came over for dinner and while it lacked a lot in the conversation department (completely my fault) and babies cried all the way through dinner, I realized that I was ok with who I am. I think getting on myspace and getting back in touch with a lot of friends embarrassed me when they saw my pictures. In high school I was pretty, I'm not being full of myself because I'm anything but now, but hindsight is 20/20. That was the image that my friend probably still had of me in his mind. And when I opened the door when he arrived, I was terrifed he'd give me the once over and say, "wow" and I'd know it wasn't in a good way. But you know what? By the end of the night I realized that it didn't matter how I looked physically or how embarrassed I might be of that. I came away from it wondering if he saw any differences in me. Not physically (obviously there are some there) but if he saw me not as the brooding teenager I once was, but as happier and grown up. I finally realized that was all that mattered was that I'm happy and content. Now, being the pessimist I am, I can always find something to complain about, but I did feel pride for how much I have now. Two beautiful children who are the light of my world, a good husband, a beautiful home, a kick-butt car (I love my 'stang!), and I know that no matter what I have materialistically those things fall pathetically short when my family is around and I see the many blessings God has given me in them. Every toothless grin, every sloppy baby kiss and yes, even every time Chicken yanks a fistful of hair out, is a blessing to me.
At the end of the day, while I was still conscious of how I looked and how he must see me now, I knew that none of that mattered. When I closed the door last night behind him, I only hoped that he saw me as happy and a thought never crossed my mind that I wish he saw me as "skinny" or "cute". Skinny isn't much when there's nothing behind a smile. Hopefully my smile showed that in the nine years since I'd seen him, my life was full of abundant blessings that can never be shown through a small waist or skinny face. That I realized this, my friends, is the beginning of the end of my early life crisis.