"Punky, how did you manage to get in the high chair all by yourself?" (As you can see, there is no ladder, steps, and there's that little thing between her legs, not to mention it's the height of my kitchen table.)
She replies, "Huh, huh, huh, I'm a little goofus, aren't I?"
Yes, my dear child, you are. What IS Mommy going to do with you?
And how you got up there is still a mystery to me...
So I get up at 6:15 this morning. Punky wakes up at 6:40 and brings a dora pull-up into my bathroom where I'm getting ready, telling me how she needs to go potty. This has been my last ditch effort to see if she magically will decide she's going to pee and poop in the potty for good with no more drama. She's obsessed with Dora right now. We tell her Dora doesn't like to get wet or stinky so she has to keep her dry.
I'm out the door by 7:05 with kids in tow. I pass the gas station about a mile from my house and see my sister-in-law, aka Chicken's morning sitter while I'm at the doc's office, sitting at the intersection. I burn rubber swinging it in to the gas station and turn around. We forgot to say who was going to whose house. Feeling bad that she's had to drive so far this early in the morning, I prepare a list of apologies. But when I pull up behind her, I just laugh. We both realize we assumed we were going to the other's house. Oh well. Chicken is happy to go back inside with his aunt and Punky and I head to the doc's office.
Once there, Punky is a little angel. She's always a pretty good kid but she just sat in her chair, and continued to ask me where the doctor was. Once he came in, she froze up and wouldn't talk to him. I crack up when I see those little bouts of shyness.
He checked me and I'm 1 cm dilated. I'm not entirely sure why I'm disappointed. I mean, it's PROGRESS! I guess I was just hoping for 2 or 3 (or more). The contractions I've been having are definitely increasing in intensity and length (a lot more than I ever had with Punky or Chicken), not to mention she's about to fall out. I just figured it would have done more than a measly 1 cm. But (sigh, deep breath) it IS progress and hopefully next week it'll be more. I think because I'm feeling so heavy and big these next 2 weeks are going to feel like 2 years!
Oh, and the keytones are still in my urine. The nurse said it was less than last week but still indicated I wasn't eating or drinking enough. HOW MUCH DO I HAVE TO EAT, PEOPLE?! I had not just a bowl but a VAT of macaroni and cheese (spider-man, no less!-and we're talking about 2/3 of the prepared box, not just a little) , a strawberry shortcake ice cream bar and a glass of water before bed alone. I still haven't gained any weight in 2 weeks. I'm guessing it's got to be a hydration thing. I'm eating like a pig, but I've just never been a big drinker. Soooo, if anyone has any suggestions, let me know. I'm just starting to think they're doing it just to mess with me. If you know me, you know how much I love my food! I might not be able to hold as much, but I certainly make up for it either in calories or frequency!
Yes, just thought I'd share a pic of Chicken sitting IN our double sided fireplace. A friend of mine told me I'd better watch out during the winter. I told her I'd stick an apple in his mouth and be done with it. HA! The little stinker.
Murphy decided to give me a break so far this week. VBS is going well and Punky and Chicken are loving it. Punky is picking up some of the cutest songs and Chicken loooooves when we go back to the auditorium after class to sing. His favorites are "My God is so big" and "This Little Christian Light." Despite it being kind of rough getting into and out of the building, we spend the morning at VBS, eat lunch on our drive home and they go to bed for their nap about 30 minutes after we get in. I'm starting to see the allure of putting them in day care a couple of days a week. BUT, that's the selfish side of me talking and it obviously isn't anything I would do. I'm just saying it's nice right now while I'm pregnant to have a little bit of a break this week!
I have my OB appointment tomorrow morning at 8 for another check to see where I'm at. I figure I haven't progressed much if at all, despite these annoying HARD contractions. She does feel even lower, if that's possible. Still no name, either, btw. Thanks, Hubby. :oP
I'm off to do laundry. Why oh why does someone not invent DISPOSABLE clothes?!
For those of you who read me or know me, you know Murphy is my best friend. Well, this weekend, apparently after being absent for a little while, he decided to be extra clingy and attach himself to my hip. There was no trip to Birmingham. Nothing productive happened except a two hour nap on Saturday afternoon.
I won't go into the long story, but summarize to say Hubby had his diaper shower that evening that we had to be back from B'ham for. There were huge miscommunications all across the board, Hubby didn't check the shower invite until friday night and realized the wedding we were supposed to go to along with the diaper shower started at the same time. We wound up having to stay here. Not a huge deal. We might still go before this baby is born, but Murphy put a good sized whole in my bubble of excitement, so I'm not able to get excited about much right now.
Then, Saturday night a couple of the wives of the hubby's at the diaper shower came over and we watched a movie. We had a good time and that was the highlight of my weekend.
Then yesterday was a pretty normal day until we got home for lunch. We cooked a roast in our crock pot. Apparently cooked isn't quite the word. We dehydrated it. It was dry, the potatoes weren't done, and Punky refused to eat. Never one to allow my kids to say no to eating a certain thing, we had to discipline Punky for "cheeking" her food and not swallowing it. After getting a little bit down her, I decided Hubby had to take care of it. I was losing my temper with her and I put my own plate up and went to bed for a 3 hour nap. She finally had to go down for her nap hungry. Now I totally get that it wasn't a good roast. But Chicken was chowing away at it and Punky was getting an attitude about it and decided to start trying to negotiate. As in, "I'll just drink some of my apple juice to help me chew it," she would say. But she downed a third of it and still wasn't swallowing. I don't do negotiation with a two year old!
Then, a very uncomfortable moment happened last night. Now, I've been pregnant THREE times in three years. Not once have I felt uncomfortable about another woman touching my belly. But another man? To be honest, I didn't have a clue what to say to him. He walked up to me and one of my pregnant friends as we were talking with both hands out and said, "Can I rub the bellies for good luck?" We just stared at him. We looked at each other and then stared at him some more. Get the hint, dude. But he.didn't.leave. He just stood there continuing to hold out his hands and wait for our answer. I finally said, "go for it" just to get him to leave and he patted my stomach and my friend covered hers up and said, "No, sorry." Feeling like I had just been violated, I looked at my friend with an incredulous look as he walked away. I mean, did that really just happen? Will he ask to touch my boobs when I'm breast feeding in a few weeks because they're bigger than normal?!
Don't get me wrong, this guy is super nice but more than once I've gotten the impression he doesn't think a whole lot before he talks. And I know all about that because Murphy controls my tongue half the time. Now, in the two weeks I have left, I will simply refer him to Hubby's bald head for good luck. After all, Murphy isn't Hubby's best friend like he is mine.
Today starts VBS at church, so we'll see if Murphy has a religious streak or not.
So, tomorrow marks my last "outing." Hubby and I are dropping the kids off first thing in the morning at the grandparents for a trip to Birmingham. We plan to enjoy the mall or something and then eat lunch at Cheesecake Factory (at least, that's what I'd like to do--thanks for the idea Mom-in-law!!). One of his good friends is getting married there and instead of going and coming right back in time for Hubby's diaper shower tomorrow night (which is what we'd planned on doing), we're going to spend the morning there and leave right after the wedding. I'm so excited to just GO AWAY for a few hours and thanks to my wonderful in-laws they gave us the chance. Every day I feel a little closer and my contractions are getting a little harder, so I wanted to do something with Hubby before we're house-ridden for six months. And of course, now that we're going to have three, any kind of trip will be limited to church and the immediate area. We'll be outnumbered, after all!
So, I hope every has an excellent weekend, I know I will!
Can you believe EIGHT of us are pregnant at church right now? These are all my close friends and fellow SAHM's that get together for play dates. We're in order of our due dates, with me being first in line on the left. The girl next to me is due a day after me, the third in line is cooking her TWELFTH BABY due in August!!! Can you believe it? The two in the middle are due in October. The next two, due in December and the last one in January. It's been wonderful sharing what better be my last pregnancy with so many wonderful ladies. Each and every one of them are special to me and I love them dearly. Between all of us after delivery we will have 28 children. It's insane.
And in looking at this picture, I think I'm finally realizing how short I really am. And can you believe I'm actually wearing heels? Yeah, like 2.5 inch ones.
Punky's newest trick is turning lights on and off in her bedroom while she plays. Occasionally she and Chicken will play "House" in her room. Chicken plays the daddy and sits on the bed while Punky puts the babies to sleep and covers them up. It's sweet to watch, but occasionally I worry about all the girlie things he will be subjected to. So far his favorite toys are Punky's pink diaper bag, her pink princess ball, and her baby dolls. I keep telling myself it's just going to make him a good father...right? Anyway, I digress...
So one night, I keep hearing Punky kicking around in her room, talking and singing to herself. I ask Hubby to go in and read her her rights. He walks in and calls to me, "Goober! You left her light on, no wonder she's not asleep!" Whaaaaa? I am getting pretty pregnant, but I don't think I've gone completely stupid. Yeah, the little weasel had turned her light on, a fact I didn't realize until the next day or two, when lights were mysteriously turning on in our house, particularly Punky's room. Then I caught her in the act, red handed, hand in cookie jar, er, on light switch.
So today I opened her blinds wide, told her to leave the light off. A few minutes later I hear Chicken screaming his head off and run to check on him and there Punky is, holding his arm skin in a death pinch because he dared touch one of her "sleeping" babies. I disciplined her, explained to her that her behavior wasn't the way good girls act and firmly told Chicken to not bother Punky's babies.
The rest of the morning, I promise you, Chicken pulled Punky's hair at every given opportunity. I'm convinced he was doing it because not only did she pinch him, but he got in trouble, too. That little booger understands so much more than we give him credit for. I'm dealing with some fiesty kids days!
Not only am I about to have a higher electric bill, this rivalry wasn't supposed to happen so soon! And my sweet Punky was never supposed to learn how to pinch. If she starts biting, I'm biting back. End.of.story.
So I've discovered potty training is the pits. For whatever reason, Punky has decided it's no longer worth the treats, the praise or the "big girlness" to go in the potty. For whatever reason, I'm done with trying right now. I know, I know, all you people who know me know that's very uncharacteristic of me. I'm a die hard do it or die kind of person most of the time when it comes to my kiddos and how they're raised. But right now, I'm working on getting an ear infection, cooking a baby, keeping a house mostly clean (and believe me when I say I'm failing MISERABLY at that one) and trying not to keel over. So...little Miss Punky gets to decide when she's ready. I figure it has a lot to do with teething, a new baby being on it's way and just a myriad of things I've probably confused her about over the weeks we've been potty training. I've decided for a two week trial, I'm going to completely back away from it and see what happens. No discipline, no harsh words, only praise. No candy rewards either. She's got to learn to go for the simple satisfaction that she's a big girl. My MIL seems to agree and Hubby will hopefully see that it's too much on me right now to keep up with everything. As my father in law always says, they won't be 20 and not ____ (potty training, walking, etc). I have to relax and slow down. Otherwise, I'm seriously in danger of overdoing it.
Speaking of which, I went to the doc today and I'm not progressing. It's oh so frustrating, even with the knowledge that she needs to stay in about 2 more weeks to be cooked enough to survive without the NICU. I'm at a point right now where all I want to do is cry. As I mentioned earlier, I'm working on an ear infection I believe. Last night I started feeling achy and fluish and my ear was killing me. I'm nauseous and sweaty all.the.time. You've heard of boob sweat well, I got that AND belly sweat. I could take 4 showers a day and still feel gross. I definitely prefer being this pregnant in the winter! The good news is that my doc said New Baby's head is LOW. As in, by his illustration, she was only 2.5 inches or so inside of me vs. the normal 5. So my question is, if I eat a lot of something like cheese and constipate myself real good, will pushing make her come out sooner? Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm stuck being pregnant and miserable for another 4 weeks. I guess it could be worse. At least my doc will induce at 38. An induction I will walk into with bells on my toes at this point.
The Hubby doesn't have a clue what to do with me either. I think I'm really surprising him with this pregnancy. I've really sucked it up and been able to handle my two prior ones, but this go around, even I'm surprising myself. My energy level is zapped and I can't make myself NOT beg him every day to come home early. I used to be able to make it until around 5 or 5:30 just fine..now it's 4 or 4:30 depending on how late the kiddos sleep for their nap. And then, the worst of it is, BOTH of them are teething right now and their moods match mine. They whine, cry and pitch fits all day. I'm not opposed to stamping my foot if I don't get my way lately, either. I guess we're all just alike right now and that's why we're not getting along. :o)
Sorry for the less than happy post. You'll have to forgive me. I'm getting crabby this late in the game...
I thought I would include some pictures of Punky making Hubby his Father's Day present. We did painted handprints of both of the kids. She loved painting...er...rather mixing all the colors together on her handprint. She was quite upset with me when I deemed it done. My kitchen table was at risk of becoming metallic purple, pink and orange. But Hubby loved it and took it to work with him this morning to display. Chicken did one, too, but didn't paint. His little handprint turned out perfect and I hated for his little fat rolls to disappear underneath the paint. It'll be a nice keepsake to look at years from now.
On the pregnancy front, is it possible for a kid to fall out? No, I'm serious. I NEVER did this with Punky or Chicken. All I can say is thank goodness for kegel exercises 'cause right now it feels like those muscles are the only thing holding her in. I start getting checked by my OB tomorrow. After I went in for monitoring and was a fingertip dilated, I'm hoping I've made some progress since last week. Even if it's slow, I want to have the chance to go on my own. And since my morning sickness is trying to come back, I've got WAY more energy than I should at this stage, she's dropped, and many more signs that tells me I'm gearing down for the big day, I'm hoping this is a good sign.
And still no names. I'm soooo tempted to name her Bertha when he leaves the room. It's a family name after all (my grandmother, but she hated it). Maybe if I insist, Hubby will get serious about picking out a name. He does read this blog, everyone, so leave him some "encouraging" comments to get his butt in gear about helping me name this kid!
I did something creative. And it didn't take me a week to do it. It DID take me a couple of hours, but I was quite proud of it! For those of you who don't know, it's a hairbow for Punky. It's a little big right now, but it matches one of her outfits and it's super cute. I couldn't believe I, creator of nothing, created this little masterpiece!
In other news, Chicken is sleeping in today. As of 9:30 the poor little thing was still fast asleep. Wednesday nights are always late for us because of church and last night we stayed and talked a little more than we normally would. So, he's having to make up for it now it seems. I'm about to make a run to the store and get some more "creative" things, so the little booger is going to have to wake up soon or Punky will be falling asleep. She still wakes up at the same time, regardless of the late night, so she's always cranky on Thursdays.
Today marks the 4 week countdown, too. If my doc induces at 38 weeks, I have exactly 4 more to go today. I'm so excited to get this kid out and get her sleeping through the night. If I could just skip past the knowledge of how little sleep I'm about to be going on, I think I could stand being pregnant and actually enjoy the newborn stage a little longer!
Ok, so now I hear Chicken, so I better go. If I don't hurry and get to the store, it will be a nightmare!
Oh, and BTW, my mother-in-law is doing much better. They contributed her dizzy spells to menopause. Thanks to you who expressed concern and said a prayer on her behalf! She's going home from the hospital today.
Wow, it's been an eventful 24 hours. Shortly after the last post, I noticed the contractions were picking up again, so I called my OB. Of course, he wanted me to go in to be monitored. Thankfully, the contractions stopped again, and as luck would have it, they didn't catch a single one on the monitor. So I got to go home after about 45 minutes.
Earlier today we got a call that my mother-in-law was in the hospital. She's been having vertigo type symptoms for almost a year now and the doc wanted to make sure it wasn't anything more than that. We'll know results of the tests tomorrow, hopefully. She should also be coming home.
AND, during my afternoon nap, the doorbell rings. I get up in a sleep induced haze, angry as a wet hen that people are so STUPID when there are so many SAHM mom's around with sleeping kids. I promise you it never happens until they're sleeping. I peep out the window and it's a man dressed in a button up and a slacks. He's looking right at me when I open the blinds and smiles and waves. I'm not about to open the door for strangers. Only this particular one knows I'm home now. I was ready if he rang that door bell again I was going to peep my head out and give him a piece of my mind (which these days I have little to spare). I'm pretty sure he was a Jehovah's witness or something. He walked away and Punky came walking out of her room. I was soooo angry.
I've decided I'm putting a sign on the door that says:
YOU WAKE 'EM, YOU TAKE 'EM!
I can get mad about trivial things, I'll admit but ringing the doorbell on a complete stranger's door just gives me a tick! I guess I would just never go door knocking and make people uncomfortable like that. I just feel there are many more opportunities to spread God's word through less uncomfortable means. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I feel.
So just another day in paradise. Hubby just pulled up, so I'll wrap this up and go catch my soaps since I missed them today. Yeah, I live an adventurous, fun-filled life.
And if you think of it, please say a prayer for my mother-in-law. I'm sure she's fine (the doc has already ruled out a brain tumor), but extra prayers never hurt.
So my weekend was actually fun! We got to spend some time with some of Hubby's high school friends and it was so refreshing to be around other parents who share the same discipline beliefs. They have the cutest little boys, too. I think Punky might have formed a crush on the middle one and definitely loved being around their baby. They both loved playing in their sandbox, too. Too bad it was 400 degrees outside!
On Sunday, Hubby's grandmother came into town for 10 days. I have her only great granddaughters, so she doesn't get to see them much. She now has 5 great grands (not counting the one about to be born), and Punky is the only female. The other funny part is Hubby's sisters are the only female granddaughters. I guess it's a genetic thing!
On a side note, I've been having some pretty major contractions. In general, as I've mentioned I haven't been feeling the best. Headaches, intestinal issues, heartburn, etc, etc, etc. It's not going away but instead staying the same or maybe a little worse. I'm convinced this is my body preparing for labor. I tracked my contractions last night and I was having them every 4-7 minutes. I haven't felt many this morning, but these are the hard, crampy type contractions and not just the pressurized non-painful braxton hicks I usually have. It'll be interesting to see if I'm dilated or effaced next week at my doc's appointment. He starts checking me at 34 weeks, so I'm ready to know if I'm making any progress. As slow as my other two labors were, I'm not panicking that this kid is going to fall out any time soon, but it would be nice if I could go on my own instead of being induced. I guess time will tell!
Hope everyone had a great weekend! I'm off to down some Maalox!
Some days are filled with things that trigger witty comments and insightful revelations. Not today. It was just a typical run of the mill day with Punky, Chicken and New Baby, who continues to try to find her way out.
I did have a play date with a few of my friends this morning. It went well. No one cried and no one had a problem with sharing. Pretty good for a group of kids where the oldest was 3, huh? Yeah, we're all awesome with discipline, what can I say? ;oD
This afternoon, I took Punky and Chicken to Wally World and picked up New Baby's changing table. It's really cute and different from what the other two have, so I can't wait to see what it looks like when Hubby puts it together. Afterwards, we grabbed some Mickey D's for dinner and came back home. Hubby had a diaper shower to go to (how nice is it that our church friends put together a guys night/diaper shower for our expecting fathers?) and after dinner with the guys he then had his best friend's 30th birthday party to attend. So I'm alone tonight, realizing how BORED I am with no muse to help me write, no TV shows on, a netflix movie with Katherine Heigl that I'll get de-limbed if I watch by myself, and my soaps don't come on for another hour on soap net. I ALMOST have the urge to clean...notice the emphasis on ALMOST. So I think I'm going to go see if I can engross myself in some sort of project before I succumb to the urge to clean on my first "alone" night in quite some time.
I'm making this quick because I need to fold clothes while the kiddos are napping. Yuck!
Chicken went for his 15 month checkup today. 55% weight and height, 90% for his head. Poor kid. By this point, Punky was growing into her large head. Let's hope Chicken does the same VERY soon. I'd hate for him to look like that allergy commerical all his life. Yeah, you know which one I'm talking about. The one where the lady's head blows up like a balloon. THAT'S my Chicken right now. I don't think he's been below the 75% his entire life.
I also spoke with my pediatrician about my doc inducing at 38 weeks. A friend of mine who's the nursery nurse where I deliver said they get a lot of sick babies from my OB. I'm glad she told me that so I could research my options and make sure I'm making the best decision for me and New Baby. My pediatrician said any time after 36 weeks is fine to go into labor and inductions at 38 weeks are completely fine for the kiddo. I was so glad to hear that. I've felt so big this entire time, the thought of having to wait until 40 weeks scares me since I was barely able to get Punky out at 7 lbs 4 oz. So, I guess if my doc is ready to induce at 38 weeks, I can feel better about it now. She also said it was probably genetics or a coincidence that my OB delivered the sick babies. Let's just hope so. Does anyone have stories to share about that? How would you feel if your doc wanted to induce at 38 weeks knowing what my pediatrician says?
Hope everyone is doing well and has a great end of the week!
I'm so excited! I saw the gastro doc yesterday and he said he could safely say all these problems were NOT gallbladder related. It can stay where God put it! No post partum surgery! WOOHOO! That's the good news.
The bad news is I've got some kick butt heartburn. Not really news, but these "new" feelings I've been having have not been my typical heartburn symptoms. If this is true heartburn and not just reflux, I pity anyone having to go through it! It hurts. It's bearable, especially knowing I only have about 6 weeks of the worst of it left, but it's still uncomfortable! The doc gave me some extra medication for it but I have to try some lifestyle changes first...propped pillows at night, less acidity in my diet, no eating after 7 pm, etc. And funny how stress can play a role in it, too. I haven't had a single "episode" since finding out yesterday that it wasn't my gallbladder.
On New Baby's front, we're still nameless. Hubby is being quite stubborn about it and refuses to give me anything he might like. We're seriously going to have a problem in the hospital agreeing on something, especially with a hormonal, post partum, weepy new mom. I hate that I do that but with both of mine I have been super emotional and Hubby won't be helping matters if he doesn't help me figure something out. She'll be coming out with a name like Gertrude or Bertha if he's not careful. I can also be quite mean post partum. Thanks to ohmommy, I now know it's possible to change a babies name after bringing them home. ;oD
She's also about to fall out. I'm not kidding when I say she's riding low these days. She's got to be engaged in the birth canal by now. I don't remember the other two doing this, so it's going to be extra fun to see if she comes on her own. Contractions are picking up again but I also have another UTI type infection, so that could be why. I'd like the experience to go into labor on my own although I might regret that decision if she decides to actually fall out as she's threatening before I get the epidural.
Anyway, so this week has been made wonderful by my report from the gastro doc, and I'm so happy no surgery is in my future! Can I get an AMEN?!
Let me just say it's been a long time since I've let loose and laughed very much. And let me just say it's been even longer since I've physically injured myself laughing so hard.
My best friend came for a visit this weekend and we had so much fun. We ate dinner and took off on Friday, leaving the kiddos with the hubbies to put to bed. Her kids were sick, so she left them with her in-laws. So it made it nice that we only had to worry about one set of kids. We went shopping at our new outdoor mall and had a scrumptious brownie sundae and made ourselves sick. We caught up on everything from our parents, our kids to our bodily functions...well, maybe I should say HER bodily functions. Disclaimer: I have NOT missed that side of her. ;oD
Maybe I should preface this little story with the fact that she is even grosser than me. I didn't think that was possible. One would argue that somewhere along the way our parents went horribly wrong at some point. We both feel like a marriage isn't a marriage until you can fart in front of your husband. She's the ONLY friend I have that I'm comfortable enough to be myself, farts included. I love that and found myself slipping back into who I am, getting back in touch with a side of me I thought was long gone since marriage and kids. I guess farting can do that to someone.
So anyway, we're stuck in traffic. In an enclosed van. On a hot night. Thank goodness for air conditioning is all I can say. Before I know it, she's sitting there in a little green fog and making my pregnant self nauseous. We started laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. She almost spewed diet coke all over my van. I pulled a muscle in my temple because I was straining so hard for air (for which I'm still paying for with a 3 day headache, but it was worth it). Don't ask me why we found this so funny. Perhaps it was because we hadn't seen each other for any length of time in years (we were both pregnant with our now 2 year olds). Perhaps it was because she can peel off not just paint but the freakin' dry wall straight down to the studs of a house with her nasty self. Or maybe it was because we still connect after marriage and motherhood and living 2 hours away from each other for over 10 years now, which from what I hear is hard to do and what I've experienced with some of my other friends.
I laugh all the time, don't get me wrong. Hubby enjoys the "true" benefits of marriage with me. But I haven't laughed like that in a long time. I haven't been myself in a long time. I'm a people pleaser and surrounded by people who expect a lot from me emotionally, physically and spiritually. My friend new me before I moved away from home, loves me for who I am and doesn't care if I fart. She doesn't care if I'm not perfect. She doesn't care if I'm a schedule freak with my kids or obsess that a noise might wake them up at night, probably because she's the same way. She wouldn't care if I didn't feel like doing something, all the more time for us to sit on the couch and do nothing together.
I needed time like that this weekend. I needed to be reminded that I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to say something in just the right way. I can be angry about something and vent and not feel guilty. I can be me.