Well, here goes another negative blog. Quite frankly, I'm sick of myself and if you've stuck around to continue reading, you probably are too. I've been in a rut lately, but this latest development is wearing me down even more emotionally and it's just too hard for me right now to think of anything happy.
I'm dealing with some things (mainly people) in my personal life right now that are taking a huge toll on my confidence and other aspects of my life. That's really all I can say specifically but it just hurts. I hate conflict of any kind and to think that someone doesn't like me sends me running with my tail between my legs like the weakling I am. I literally get sweaty hands, a racing heart and my brain shuts down at conflict. I like people to like me and think of me as a good person. I mean, I like to think I'm a good person anyway, maybe others see me as something else. I have my faults, just like everyone else on earth.
I read a friend's blog recently about how she had a hard time standing up for herself. Well, that's me, too. I sit back and let people take advantage of me. I've done this since I was in elementary school and then I go home and cry because I don't have the guts to say anything. In high school I was bullied and made fun of until I was so depressed I couldn't think straight. It gets to me when people do this, even now. You'd think by now I would learn that it's just life. What really matters is how me, my family and God see me. And that really IS all that matters to me, but I would LIKE to just keep peace and remain in my happy, aloof, ignorant state. If you don't like me, just don't tell me or act like it and I'll be fine. I'm way too observant so most often I notice things, even if you think I don't so you've got to be a brilliant actor to keep it from me. My husband has a favorite expression. "I saw that micro-expression!" Apparently it's some sort of term he learned in psychology and it's a good one. Micro-expressions are my curse.
But you know, I try. I try to be friends with everyone. Occasionally, maybe even more than I realize, my candor comes across as arrogance or pushiness. I'm not smart, I'll be the first to tell you that, nor am I intelligent in most regards. But I have a LOT of common sense and a few little bursts of wisdom occasionally but anything I ever say to anyone is simply that, just what I'm saying. My hubby once told me a VERY wise comment, "You can't listen if you're talking."
On a lighter note, Punky has a new funny. She's been learning to put three very different syllables together like, "All better". Since it's fall, she's been obsessing over puntins (pumpkins)lately, too. So this morning when she came in to greet me when she first got up, I said, "Hey Punkin." I say it alot but today it stuck. I was in the kitchen doing something when she meandered over to me, looked up and said to me very brightly in all seriousness, "Hi Puntin!"
I don't know why this struck me as so funny, but everytime I think about that, I just grin. Believe me, Punky's antics, Chicken's smile and Hubby's love and logical reasoning has gotten me through this very difficult week!