Thursday, July 3, 2008

LIAR!!!!! (Murphy's baaaack)

So you know how I mentioned that I felt like my doc was just telling me I was a cm dilated just to pacify me?  Yeah, he was.

Today?  I'm only a fingertip to one, MAYBE.  He even said, "But nothing significant."  Do you know how homicidal that makes me?  Thank goodness my fat, pregnant self was beached on the table in stirrups or he would have gotten a fist in his mouth for sure.

But that was after I weighed in at 162, SIX pounds more than last week.  I guess that'll teach them to tell me that I'm not eating.  I always love proving people wrong.  It doesn't happen often so I have to enjoy it while I can.

Then the even worse news?  He won't even talk about induction until my next appointment on the 15th, in which I will be two days away from 39 weeks.  All those people who've been having a cow at the mention of a 38 week induction?  Yeah, relaaax.  It ain't happenin'.  This kid is going to break my ribs, make me pee on myself in public, and be a hormonal wreck for at least 2 more weeks.  Such fun.  It was like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel only to realize it was a lightening bug holding up a sign as you pass by that reads: Just kidding!

Then he tells me she's measuring a week behind.  No dice, Doc, sorry, LIAR.  You're little measuring thingy?  Yeah, it's off.  About like your head is going to be VERY soon if you don't tell me some way to get her OUT NOW!

Now I realize two weeks isn't that long in the grand scheme of time.  But with two VERY cranky kids under 2.5, a son who thinks it's a fun past time to be clingy and a crybaby, being fat as a cow, feeling like every body part has been pulled apart, peeing every 10 minutes, having a bowling ball between my legs, and didn't I mention cranky babies?, oh and the Hubby starting 10 hour work days from now until next Saturday, I'm done.  Stick the perpetual fork in me.  I need a vacation.  A long one.  I need to breathe some fresh air.  Go on a quiet walk.  Get away without feeling guilty.  I need less stress.

I need a lot of things right now and I'm feeling pretty alone, too.  It's all the hormones.  All I know is I drove home from my doc's appointment today and couldn't stop crying.  I feel so let down by my body (at this point with BOTH the others I was at least 1 cm dilated and effaced some).  Hubby and I have been at each other's throat for days now.  I simply don't know what to do.  I know I won't be pregnant forever but I guess it's the fact that since I can't enjoy the end of this last pregnancy, I want to start enjoying her on the outside.  I want to get on with our lives, get the sleepless nights over with and get into a rhythm.

I feel so whiny and wimpy even typing that.  Every pregnant woman gets to this point I guess, but it just wasn't this bad with the first two.  I never expected to feel like this.  I feel selfish and mean.  Well, I'm not feeling like that, I am those things these days and I don't like it.  I'm having to rely on too many people to get me through.  I don't mind asking for help SOME, but it's becoming an every day thing and I feel like I'm abusing people's generosity.  I don't want to be the kind of person who dumps my kids on my friend or family just because I need a break or I have "better" things to do and I just don't want to deal with them.  My kids need me and they're not getting ME right now.  I'm suddenly some monster that catches myself raising my voice far too often, disciplining while I'm angry, not giving them any attention and allowing the TV to act as a babysitter.  Not cool.  With one little pregnancy that isn't agreeing with me, it all comes back rearing it's ugly head like I haven't spent seven years overcoming it.

Ugh.  I'm so glad Murphy is back.  (Insert sarcasm) I missed him so much. (end sarcasm)


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry about the 2 more weeks. I was absolutely miserable at the end of my pregnancy. Hey, I got up to 180. Yes, me 5'3" and 180, but I had an almost 10 lb baby and he was a week overdue when they forced him out. The good news is that you have 2 more weeks to pick out a name, right. I wish I were closer and I would be there to help you! I know you have a wonderful supportive family and group of friends there. There is nothing wrong with needing a little help. You will be back to yourself in no time.

Mandy said...

I'm with Stephanie on this ONE major positive thing about the waiting. You DO have two more weeks to pick out a name. :)

Hang in there, the timer on the oven will be going off very soon and your baked sweetie will be out to greet ya!!!

Jennifer Shirk said...

Ugh, I was miserable my last few weeks too. Don't worry about whining. You're pregnant, you're hormonal and you have two young kids. You're entitled to whine.

Krystyn said...

I remember the misery, too! And, it's coming up soon again for me!

You just have to try to remember that she will come when she is ready (and also be thankful that your doctor will even consider induction)!!

Indy said...

The end is so tough. I am saying a little prayer for your water to break and start the whole process. Hang in there.