Monday, October 6, 2008
Lots of things to think about...
I had a very busy week preparing for a craft show to sell my hairbows in and keeping up with my kids.
As for the farting breadsticks...it's actually nothing very unique. I just thought it made for a good game. Spinster made the comment that after she ate at Olive Garden, she farted breadsticks (smellwise) for a week. I found that hilarious and told her that was going to be the subject of my next blog. She reads this and we all thought at the time it was hilarious. With a little time since then, I can see the reveal is probably a let down, if not gross to most of you. I promise I don't have an obsession with passing gas, it just happens to be something that happens quite frequently in my house (Hubby!) and the subject of many good laughs. What else is funnier than your butt cheeks flapping together to make a sound!?!?! ;oD
Something interesting happened to me yesterday. I have an account with myspace.com and I had a friend request from someone that I guess you could say was an enemy in high school. Not really enemy, I had no beef with her other than she was a bully to me and I was too chicken and insecure to stand up to her. She was an ex's girlfriend who took a liking to making my life miserable. If only she could have been in my shoes for a week...she would have never said or done the things she did. I understand that insecure people are the ones who bully most of the time, and I did feel sorry for her. People told me she had a bad home life and such. My ex boyfriend was probably the only thing she had to hold on to.
The funny thing was, I think she thought I still wanted to date the ex. We were "together" from 8th grade until 10th. It was a very innocent relationship. I was miserable with him and didn't know how to break it off as it was my first real relationship. He cried every time I tried to end it, manipulated me until I gave in. I even had physical problems from the stress of the relationship. The moment I finally put my foot down, my life was instantly better and I never looked back.
During my 11th and 12th grade years, the years this person made things unbearable, I was depressed, got a mild form of what I would call anorexia (but that's really exaggerating - I was just so stressed out with my life I never thought to eat and if I did, I didn't have an appetite), but I did get down to 90 pounds at my lowest point, and I thought a lot about what things would be like if i hadn't been born. I had a new boyfriend that at the time helped me through it. Turns out that relationship was quite toxic, too, but in a totally different way. This was all compounded by the monstrous problems I had with my mother and her verbal abuse and an absent father. Those years were the worst of my life but yet looking back, they were some of the best times, too. I'm still not sure how that works but maybe it was the newness of life, of beginning adulthood, new relationships, discovering life. I made drum major of my high school band those years, too, and it was an accomplishment that I was so proud of. I had never really accomplished much and that was something I had my sights set on since I joined the high school band in 8th grade. I got a scholarship to Jacksonville State University my senior year for the band playing the flute, and I was the only one from my class. I never used it in the end, but I know that was the path I was supposed to take now.
I guess my question is, how do you get over it? I try not to hold grudges and I know this person is probably completely different. I just obsess over what I could have done differently, things I could have said to make her understand how she hurt me. People like her are one of the major reasons I personally decided to homeschool my kids when they're old enough. I know you can't shelter kids from bullies, they're everywhere, but I can certainly keep from ruining their whole high school experience just because they're focused on a bully instead of learning. If I hadn't been bullied I wonder where things might have gone. Who I could have been. What I could have done. The confidence I would have now. I might not have cried so much. I might have cared a little more in college and actually finished. I might have done something great.
Don't get me wrong, I had friends. I enjoyed what I could. I cherish the friends I had in high school that made me laugh when I felt so low. Stuck by me even though I was a total downer and pessimist. Yes, I was the "outcast" of that "group" I was, but they never really made me feel that way. I just knew I was. That's kind of carried over into my adult life, too. I don't really fit in anywhere, despite my effort to the contrary. I guess in a way you could say the bully won. I hate to even admit that, and she wasn't the only reason I say that, either. My mother had a lot to do with who I am now, too. She was a big contributor to the low self worth and pessimism.
I guess you could say I have done something great, though. I'm a mother, the only thing I really wanted to be when I was little. I have a great husband, one who deserves much better than me. We have a great marriage, although it's not without it's faults. We have a great life together. I have friends. Not many CLOSE friends, but friends who tolerate me even though I am who I am. I'm not like them, but I've accepted that. But most of all, I'm not the person I used to be in high school. Yes, I'm still needy emotionally, yes I'm still more insecure than any adult should be, but I'm a totally different person. I have a faith in God that I didn't have ten years ago. I have a positive reinforcement, called Hubby who grounds me most of the time, although I'd never admit it to him. I'm not around my mother much anymore although I still crave a relationship I know I will never have. I haven't talked to my father in 3 years and haven't seen him in over 7. I've eliminated most of the toxicity from my life. But that still doesn't heal the scars or wipe the stains away.
Did I accept her friend request? I did, on principle alone. BECAUSE I'm not the same person. I can forgive her for the things she said. We were young and immature. She made the first move and that proves she's different. I haven't thought about her in years. She has a little girl now and is apparently pregnant again. Just hearing from her brought up all these feelings I never want to think about again. I wonder, too, if she's afraid for her children to go through what she put me through? Or is she training them to be a mini-me and carry on the tradition? Has she had someone in her life like I have with my husband who changes her life and makes it better so she doesn't think about those things anymore? Has she found a peace within herself about what she did to me and probably others? For her children's sake, I hope she has. Not many people can rise above their raising. It takes a strong character and lots of humbleness and encouragement from others to want to change, much less make it happen.
As the years have gone by, ten in fact, I realize I'll never get those precious years back that molded and shaped me into who I am today. They were spent wishing them away, for better days. For a better life. Well, I'm there. Welcome to the present with my three beautiful children, my wonderful husband and a life I never dreamed possible ten years ago. I won't waste these days away wishing for something else. I won't let anyone in who doesn't belong. Not anymore. My kids deserve better than what I had and I'll give it to them no matter what it costs.
Were you bullied? If you were, how did you get over it?