So I decide upon hearing the news that I must celebrate by buying new clothes. After giving birth to Cupcake, everything has shifted to places that I didn't know I had and nothing fits right. It sucks. I must have tried on 50 shirts. That's all I really needed until I lose the rest of my weight (which will have to be after the first of the year, duh).
I slowly came to the realization that I just don't know what I should wear and no amounts of watching What Not to Wear will clue me in. No one on that show has ever been shaped like me. They use comparison of the apple vs the pear shape but they have NEVER EVER dealt with the Humpty Dumpty shape. I'm not kidding, stop laughing. Big boobs, big belly, sticks for limbs, flat butt, back fat that looks like your head is on backwards. I mean, has anyone else in the history of the world been shaped as oddly as me? Sure, you can say you are or know someone but I'll just flat out tell ya right now to get over yourself. I've definitely got you beat.
I did find a couple of shirts that I thought would look good AFTER I bought that gut cinching corset that I'm convinced was three sizes too small even though it said XL (it's amazing how two little letters can be such a blow to your ego). But apparently corsets don't actually get RID of your fat, it just squishes it somewhere else. I didn't get the memo on that one.
I stood outside of Old Navy at our local "hip" hangout and observed people who looked to be around my age. They wore their skinny jeans tucked in their cute little furry boots. They wore layers that intimidated me that I would never be able to match up if my life depended on it. They had cute accessories that I instantly loved on them but would hate on me. But one thing that I did notice I had that blended in was the hip hair do. My stylist is just simply amazing. I got it cut Saturday morning before my shopping adventure and thought after getting it cut, it would somehow make clothes look better on me. What was I thinking? A t-shirt, jeans and tennis shoes does a cute bob stacked in the back a serious injustice. I looked down right frumpy.
So even though I joked about it before, I realized this weekend with certainty I'm old. Not necessarily physically, but mentally. I'd rather spend the money on my kids than deal with having to figure out what I'm supposed to be wearing. Looking stylish is work. Women like OHMommy intimidates me with their stilettos and chic clothes. I need those people to be my personal shoppers or at the very least give me a do and don't list.
Clothes and me? Oil and water, baby.