Do you ever feel like life is passing you by? I know I've said a million times I can't stand it when people take their kids for granted. And I don't - there is something every day that makes me stop and say Thank You GOD for my babies. But that doesn't mean I don't have times where I want my cake and eat it too. A career for me was pretty much doomed from birth. I've always wanted to be a mommy and I enjoy it. I hated school and just survived until I got married and decided I couldn't justify the money anymore to just "get by." A writing career is something I still dream about...mainly because I really can have my cake and eat it, too. It's a job I can do from home and it's a passion of mine.
But somedays it seems like everyone else is just living their life, having fun and enjoying their hobbies when I'm stuck with a mountain of laundry, 12 dirty diapers, dishes, and bottle feedings. It sounds like the ultimate cliche, doesn't it? But I guess there's a reason for those overused phrases - they really are true! I'm lucky if I have 1 or 2 nights a month to just sit and write...or read. I even had to multi-task today between reading the newest Nicholas Spark's book (the first book I've read in over 6 months) and watching my soaps. Every spare minute I have is so precious these days.
I mean, I totally understand that I'm selfish in saying all this, but this is my blog so I get to be selfish on it occasionally. With all the cancer around me, being another year older, and knowing our family is done growing, I don't know how to face the fact that I don't really have any more "milestones" in my life. Someone told me once when I said this, "Well, you get to become a grandma." Ok, yeah. I do. But that's my children's milestones, not mine, nor is it guaranteed that my children will ever have children. Surely out of three kids, at least one of them will have some, so the odds are in my favor but still. So, exactly what is my next milestone? I have approximately 20 years stretched out before me and it doesn't look all that great. Keep in mind, I'm not talking about parenting or my children in this rant, but rather ME and MY life. I quit college because I didn't like it and I don't really regret it...I more regret the fact that I couldn't make myself enjoy it. I don't have time for writing. I don't have many hobbies other than writing. My "hairbow" business is pretty much up in smoke before it even began (not a single sell out of 57 items on the site yet!). Where will I be when my children are grown? What will I do when they're not here any more to fill the void?
If someone knows the answer to that question or can suggest a good self-help book on an early-life crisis, please leave a comment.